Toronto meeting Jan. 22/06 - 2pm @ Duke of York

[Massive Attack]

Here's more video of Luis.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6304447980554417691

He asked me not to share this on the internet, but I couldn't resist.

[BusanBhoy]

As soon as I saw this, I remembered the one other time I had seen a candle lit from a man's anus.

It made me realize that Luis is indeed not a fan of Chuck Norris, but rather chuck himself in disguise.

I'm sorry for this unauthorized 'outing'- I'm certain that I am already dead- but now that the truth is out, I figured it is time for the whole truth abouth about our friend Chuck.. sorry I mean Luis...

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PREsense OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't great with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing

Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong, my friend.

The only colour Chuck Norris can see is blood.

[juaninho]

Luis IS Chuck Norris?

I have two theories, but the Chuck Norris one may be plausible.

Luis theory#1.

One theory I have about Luis' non-presense is the following. I believe that Luis is nothing but a software program designed as a Beta version to beat the Turing Test. A Turing test is basically a test for artificial intelligence, in which, generally speaking, someone at a computer responds to various queries and statements such as:

-'Do you like flared-pants?'

-'My, the sun is currently heating our atmosphere quite nicely to-day. Would you like to come over to my place and help me BBQ some Muskox?'

-'My favo-rite type of cheese is of the edible variety. What is yours?'

-'My microprocessor is currently overheating. What is the state of yours, humanoid?'

and so on.

After the exercise, the person has to determine if he/she was communicating with a human or not. So, if the computer can fool a person, then the computer is deemed artificially intelligent.

Yes, the test is flawed.

I believe that Luis is such a program, and I further believe that he has been devised by Texas Instrumensts as a Beta version to pass the Turing test. I think he is officially referred to by his Texas Instruments designers as Luis Turing Mark 6, v.2 Beta.

How did I discover this? Well, two reasons.

-Firstly. Luis has many times scanned various Scandinavian websites to unearth stories about Canadian soccer players. Because he does not even bother with even the remotest of translations by the clumsiest of web translators, he posts the original article untranslated.

This exercise clearly demonstrates that Luis is scanning for SUPERFICIAL CONTENT and not for MEANING. Most people, or 'humanoids' in the Luis vernacular, scan for meaning.

-Secondly. One of the problems inherent to any attempt to pass off a computer as a person is the problem of temporal or time recognition, of which the past poses difficulty. For if you can recollect the past, you can in some way speak of some degree of participation with the past.

I cite Luis' insistence to rename the MLS franchise the Blizzard. Certainly he is not the only one to wax nostalgic for the Blizzard, but coupled with reason #1, I think this demonstrates that Luis is trying too hard as a program to pass itself off as a person. Luis has difficulty creating something 'new', and must rely on his programmers to give him new inputs.

So, in a word, I'm on to you Texas Instruments. Your program 'Luis Turing Mark 6, v.2 Beta' doesn't have me fooled!

[Grizzly]

You know John, what really mystifies me is how you go on about anti-soccer conspiracies in the Canadian media like it is ruining our day to day lives and that we have to make some sort of organization to fight this. On the other hand you find it perfectly acceptable for Jonathon DeGuzman to play for Holland and would even encourage him to do so. Talk about having your priorities wrong and hypocrisy. As far as I'm concerned if all of our best players were playing for us and we were getting good results I could give a rat's ass about what the Toronto Star or anyone else is writing.

[juaninho]

Luis theory #2.

Luis has been captured by a former student who has developed a Kathy Bates-like attraction to him and has him locked up in a place where he cannot escape. Yes, the now classic Steven King 'Misery' scenario is playing itself out with Luis as the star attraction.

Though, the problem for Luis is that his captor does not look like a young Kathy Bates,

but looks more like SNL's Pat.

Or, again, he could very well be Chuck Norris.