Greek v German Philsophers, Monty Python

[beachesl]

THE CLASSIC !

Football Commentator (Michael): Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, Muenchen

[caption "INTERNATIONALE PHILOSOPHIE -

Rueckspiel" {International Philospohy - Return match}] for the

second leg of this exciting final. [German philosophers jog out

of the dressing room.] And here come the Germans now, led by

their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel. They must surely start favourites

this afternoon; they've certainly attracted the most attention

from the press with their team problems. And let's now see

their line-up.

[Caption "DEUTSCHLAND" {Germany}

"1 LEIBNITZ

2 I. KANT

3 HEGEL

4 SCHOPENHAUER

5 SCHELLING

6 BECKENBAUER

7 JASPERS

8 SCHLEGEL

9 WITTGENSTEIN

10 NIETZSCHE

11 HEIDEGGER"]

[High shot of Germans jogging onto pitch.] The Germans playing

4-2-4, Leibnitz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and

Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and

Heidegger, and the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.

Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there.

[Greek philosophers, all in togas, jog from the dressing room.]

And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half,

Heraclitus.

[Caption "GRIECHENLAND" {Greece}

"1 PLATO

2 EPIKTET

3 ARISTOTELES

4 SOPHOKLES

5 EMPEDOKLES VON ACRAGA

6 PLOTIN

7 EPIKUR

8 HERAKLIT

9 DEMOKRIT

10 SOKRATES

11 ARCHIMEDES"]

[High shot of Greeks jogging onto pitch, kicking balls about

etc.] Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, it's a much

more defensive line-up. Plato's in goal, Socrates a front-

runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper, Aristotle very much the

man in form. One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

[An oriental referee, holding a large sandglass, walks down the

centre line, flanked by two linesmen with haloes.] Well here

comes the referee, Kung Fu Tsu Confucius, and his two linesmen,

St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas. [Referee spots the ball and

the captains shake hands.] And as the two skippers come

together to shake hands, we're ready for the start of this very

exciting final. The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand and...

[referee blows his whistle] they're off! [The Germans

immediately turn away from the ball, hands on chins in deep

contemplation.] Nietzsche and Hegel there. Karl Jaspers number

seven on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him. There's

Beckenbauer. Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering.

Schopenhauer. [Pan to the other end, the Greeks also thinking

deeply, occasionally gesticulating.] And now it's the Greeks,

Epicurus, Plotinus number six. Aristotle. Empedocles of

Acragus and Democratus with him. There's Archimedes. Socrates,

there he is, Socrates. Socrates there, going through. [The

camera follows Socrates past the ball, still on the centre

spot.] There's the ball! There's the ball. And Nietzsche

there. Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.

[Caption "DEUTSCHLAND - GRIECHENLAND

0 : 0"]

Kant moving up on the outside. Schlegel's on the left, the

Germans moving very well in these opening moments.

----------------------------

Well right now we're going back to the

Olympic stadium for the closing minutes of the Philosophy Final,

and I understand that there's still no score.

[On the pitch, a German is remonstrating with the referee.]

Football Commentator: Well there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. He accused Confucius

of having no free will, and Confucius he say, "Name go in book".

And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games. [We see a

bearded figure in a track-suit is warming up on the touch-line.]

And who's that? It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up. It

looks as though there's going to be a substitution in the German

side. [Marx removes the track-suit, under which he is wearing a

suit.] Obviously the manager Martin Luther has decided on all-

out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match

to go. And the big question is, who is he going to replace,

who's going to come off. It could be Jaspers, Hegel or

Schopenhauer, but it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein, who saw his

aunty only last week, and here's Marx. [Marx begins some

energetic knees-up running about.] Let's see it he can put some

life into this German attack. [The referee blows his whistle;

Marx stops and begins contemplating like the rest.] Evidently

not. What a shame. Well now, with just over a minute left, a

replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital. There's Archimedes,

and I think he's had an idea.

Archimedes (John): Eureka! [He runs towards the ball and kicks it.]

Football Commentator: Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to

Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel [who,

like all the Germans, is still thinking]. Heraclitus a little

flick, here he comes on the far post, Socrates is there,

Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored!

The Greeks are going mad, the Greeks are going mad! Socrates scores,

got a beautiful cross from Archimedes. The Germans are disputing it.

Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct

of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative

is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination,

and Marx is claiming it was offside. But Confucius has answered

them with the final whistle! It's all over! Germany, having

trounced England's famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and

Hobbes in the semi-final, have been beaten by the odd goal, and

let's see it again. [Replay viewed from behind the goal.]

There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibnitz doesn't

have a chance. And just look at those delighted Greeks. [The

Greeks jog delightedly, holding a cup aloft.] There they are,

"Chopper" Sophocles, Empedocles of Acragus, what a game he had.

And Epicurus is there, and Socrates the captain who scored what

was probably the most important goal of his career.

[Aerial view of stadium; segue into Gilliam animation]

Presenter: And now for ten seconds of sex.

[canso]

"and Marx is claiming it was offside."

That's the killer line right there!

[matthew]

quote:Originally posted by canso

"and Marx is claiming it was offside."

That's the killer line right there!

Yes it is and the delivery makes it even funnier.

Thanks Beachesl, I can't think of a better way to start a work week.

cheers,

matthew

[Gian-Luca]

Notice as well that the replay of the goal in an entirely different take (and Socrates is offside!).