While collecting all the beer bottle empties from the frustrating Jamaica match, the morning after, I was shocked when I heard a drunken voice bellowing out from one of the bottles:
TF: Hey there, I ain’ finished yer dregs yet!
ME: Who said that?
TF: Washme, Trashfly McBane, just call me TF.
To my astonishment, a common, or so it seemed, house-fly stumbled up to the lip of the bottle.
TF: Frushtratrating match last night, eh!
ME: ummm, let me get my breath back here....T F. I am a bit shocked about being addressed by a fly, although I have often read of your kind in the annals of the Voyageur forums these many years ago.
TF: Ah yes, an infamous ancestor of mine.
ME: So, what do I owe this unexpected...pleasure... to.
TF: Well, I read your ridiculous rantings on the forum, and thought this might be a good place to catch a syuptishous view of the match and indulge in sharing some of your brewskies. I kept drinking long after you passed out.
ME: Well fancy that, a fly who talks and is a Canadian soccer fan..now THAT is really rare.
TF: What was more frustrating was the online meeting on the dark net I hacked into on your pc after the matsh.
ME: Do tell, TF.
TF: Well, I had this sick feeling as to why Phonzie was playing as if his ash was on fire at the end of the USh matsh lasht month, so I snuck into Herdman´s secret account to try to find out. Well to my shurprise, up popped the faces of an apolgetic Herdman, a pisshed-off Phonzie, and 3 simmering directors of Bayern Munich, team manager Kathleen Kruger. President Herbert Hainer, and Chairman Oliver Kahn. I have the transhcirption here on my cell phone, so I will read it to you becaush the screensh too small.
ME: Well, shiver me timbers and holy Ali Gerba! What was said?
What follows is the barely discernable dialogue, with the German roles delivered in the wurst German accent you could imagine, so incredible that it seemd like it was written by a crazed anti-vaxxer.
H: Good evening, or whatever time it is there, everybody.
All: (murmurs of acknowledgement)
H: I explained our side of the bargain, to send Phonzie back early, to Phonzie, and he insisted on this meeting because he is opposed to being sent back now.
KK: Wait a minute, we had a deal. We need Alphonso here, especially after Hernandez has just been sent off to jail for 6 months.
AD: No way man, I love Lucas...Well, I stayed away for training during the Gold Cup, along with Jonathan David, on your orders, I kept quiet ...well except for a stupid twitter I wrote after being sent back early before the El Salvador match before the fake “indiscernible injury” announcement , but nobody got it anyway….but there is absolutely no way I´m missing the Panama one. No friggin´way! One lie, shame on you, two lies shame on me... Besides, we all could be in trouble if we used the same excuse again. Especially after my boss performance against Red Bull days after.
H: Where is Nagelmann? He should be here.
KK: Plausible deniability Herdman! We have enforceable laws against meetings like this in Germany.
HH: Listen, Davies, you get your ass back here now, or there will be hell to pay!
KK: Cool down there Herbert, that is not the way to resolve things. Well, we want to keep Alphonso happy, and we could all be on some thin ice here, so we can bend the agreement a little bit. He can do Panama, but once he gets a real injury, no matter how small, once you qualify for whatever, he stays with us. No more than one friendly per international break, no nothin´´. Got it?
H: Sounds good to me, CSA will go along with that. And, Kathleen, I tried to convince Phonsie not to have this meeting, but he was adamant...
KK: Well, good luck against Panama! And this meeting...never happened.
At that point, poor Trashfly passed out, and I placed him carefully on a window ledge to recover.
Oh, brave new world, that has such people and flies in it! Not to mention the determination of our players.