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  • The Reserve Squad: Hiddink, Mourinho hired as co-coaches of men's national team


    ccs-3097-14026400964_thumb.jpgBowing to pressure from well-reasoned, totally-not-reactionary fans of the men's national team following a disappointing group-stage exit from the Gold Cup, the Canadian Soccer Association has relieved head coach Stephen Hart of his duties, and hired Guus Hiddink and Jose Mourinho to share the position.

    "Guus and Jose have both been clamouring to get on the Canadian bandwagon for a while now," said one CSA official. "We figured this would be the perfect time to allow both of them to fulfill their coaching dreams."

    The official said Hiddink's international pedigree, along with Mourinho's success at the club level, would ensure that never again would the opponent be able to clumsily bumble a ball over the goal line during stoppage time. When asked how, exactly, the two would get along, and how they would share duties, and how the CSA found the cash to afford the two well-regarded managers, the official grinned and waved his hand slowly in a "calm down"-type motion.

    "Come on now, we've got unlimited human and financial resources at our disposal," he said. "Fans know that. Why else would they expect instant, wholesale change to our entire organization?"

    Along with new managers, the team will also see a radically reshaped roster heading into World Cup qualifying in September.


    Mere moments after the Hiddink/Mourinho tandem had been finalized, longtime on-the-fence Canadian-born players David "Junior" Hoilett and Jonathan de Guzman both revealed via Twitter that they were pledging their allegiance to the Canadian national team.

    "Oranje whut?! Nah really, whut the f, Dutch! Scarborough represent!" tweeted the younger de Guzman.

    Meanwhile his older brother, Julian, issued a stunning press release: "I want to announce that, as many Toronto FC fans have suspected, my performance for the club side thus far has had nothing whatsoever to do with a serious leg injury, the adjustment to a different league on a different continent, or the pressures of performing in my hometown. I really just have been screwing with you all. But thanks to today's news, you can all expect a return to the form I showed in La Liga four years ago, effective immediately. Thanks."

    His former Toronto FC teammate, Dwayne De Rosario, reacted to the announcement via Twitter in a rather cryptic manner.

    "Ukraine versus England in UEFA U21 championship," he tweeted.

    The CSA also announced its introduction of a mechanized physiological timeshifter. One CSA researcher -- or at the very least, someone wearing a white lab coat -- said the machine is capable of "making crucial adjustments to the DNA structure of a human being, essentially allowing one to 'shift' their age several years forward or backward."

    The gentleman in the white lab coat noted that experimental testing had already been conducted on Craig Forrest and Jason deVos, with future subjects including Alex Bunbury, Dale Mitchell, Paul Peschisolido, Tomasz Radzinski, Keven Aleman, Russell Teibert and Ethan Gage.

    When asked why all of these measures hadn't been implemented prior to the Gold Cup, the CSA official noted: "The people have spoken. They want to reach Brazil 2014. We've been sitting on these hundreds of millions of dollars and this dubious one-man time-machine technology for years now, and figured, what the hell, might as well use it now."

    What happens, then, if Canada fails to qualify for the next men's World Cup?

    "Pffft," the official scoffed. "That's impossible. We've left nothing to chance. High-profile manager, high-profile players, manipulation of human DNA... there's literally no way we won't make it."

    Neither Hiddink nor Mourinho returned phone calls from The Reserve Squad, while the fellow in the white coat cut short his discussion of Canadian soccer to distribute ice cream cones to screaming children.


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