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    Canada 2 South Korea 1: A mostly fabricated synopsis


    Prior to the opening whistle, the members of the Canadian team engaged in a spirited discussion about what day of the week it actually was, since they'd crossed the international date line and their internal circadian clocks hadn't yet adjusted. Melissa Tancredi thought to search for a definitive answer online, but for some strange reason found her Internet search engine wasn't working very well.

    South Korea took advantage of this internal distraction to launch multiple attempts at goal... the referee quickly put a stop to it since, unlike in pinball, the multi-ball feature is not permitted in international soccer.

    Once the referee restored order and the one-ball system was back in effect, South Korea again took advantage -- mostly because the Canadian players were fumbling with their phones, trying to figure out why Google wasn't working properly. Yeo Minji did the damage in the 34th minute.

    At halftime, John Herdman -- who had watched most of the first half perched atop the stadium like an eagle, so as to get his preferred view -- put his team's mind at ease by showing them all how to create an account on Weibo. With their net-surfing itch scratched, the players came out with a full head of steam in the second half.

    It was, predictably, the youngsters who got the biggest boost. Janine Beckie struck early in the first half, her first goal for the senior women's national team. She celebrated by posting on Weibo: "That's what happens when Canada calls up a Beckie #ThatsRightFloro"

    Shortly thereafter, defender Kadeisha Buchanan got in on the fun, converting a corner kick for her second career goal for Big Red. Play was temporarily halted when a loud noise pierced the stadium; it was later revealed that the sound was a squeal of delight from Buchanan's mom. (Most surprising is that her mom was still in Canada at the time.)

    Once that was sorted out, Buchanan and Desiree Scott broke things down with a celebratory dance, which I won't attempt to describe in fictional terms since it apparently actually happened and we should instead use our collective energy to find a video clip of it.

    That, as they say, was that. Canada's next game is against Mexico on Jan. 13... or is it the 12th?

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