F u c k.
There. I said it. Is the midwest burning? No?
Mark McCullers, president and general manager of Your ColUMMMMMMMMMbus CREW!, has just sent a note to the hard-core Nordecke supporters who gather noisily in Crew Stadium’s north end. He’s beefing up security, because he doesn’t want the word “f u c k” ringing out in the otherwise fan-friendly confines of < satire > the nicest, best-run, most family-friendly soccer park in These United States. < /satire >
F u c k, f u c k and f u c k.
[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]
So, everyone knows the “This is our house!” chant. If you don’t, it goes “This is our house!” About 3,000 Toronto FC fans had all kinds of fun chanting it at Crew Stadium in March of ’08. Even the Nordecke acknowledges that this outrageous, shaming invasion ended up boosting their numbers hugely in the couple of seasons since. They have real numbers now. Admirable grit and passion, too.
In both cities, “This is our house!” has sprung a second line: “Get the f u c k out!”
In some spectator chants, the words don’t come clear in the rest of the park. Crosswinds, distance and perfectly normal stadium noise levels can obscure entire lines of clever mass singing. This is not the case when a couple of thousand people simultaneously chant “Get the f u c k out!”
That is unmistakeable. Unmissable. And, to McCullers, unacceptable.
But what happens next could crank the “un” scale all the way to unforgivable.
If I might defend the “F” word, for a moment. “F u c k" is one of the most expressive, honest and incredibly flexible words in the English language. It covers everything from the creation of life to the destruction of all that is good and holy. It is a verb, a noun, a prefix, an adjective. Subject, object, all at once.
Above all, it is the one and only word that even remotely expresses what one feels when one just wants to haul off and holler “F U C K!!!!!!!!!!!”
If you have never sung or chanted the “F” word with thousands of other people in a public space, I heartily recommend it. There’s a lovely, naughty rush. It’s got to be good for the human body to release so much stress in a way that produces such joy and adrenaline.
McCullers counters that the Crew desperately need fans, and certainly they do. There will never be enough Nordecke to fill 25,000 seats, so the team is looking to that great old midwestern stand-by, mom and pop and their rosy-cheeked li’l chillun. (Okay, that’s southern. I’m Canadian. What the f u c k do I know?)
Mr. and Mrs. two-point-five-kids-Ohio don’t want their babies to hear a thousand bellowing freaks screaming cuss words. They (at least one or two of them, anyway) are letting McCullers know it.
Crew Stadium sits now dangerously poised between Disney and the ditch.
McCullers has – unequivocally – warned the Nordecke that “Get the **** out!” will not be tolerated this Saturday, when former Crew championship-winning coach Sigi Schmid brings his expansion Seattle Sounders to town. Security will be visibly ramped up, and anyone who yells “f u c k” is out.
Here’s the problem, Mark: Suppose everyone chants this one. The entire group does it. All at once.
Now what do you do?
This isn’t three Toronto FC fans urinating on a fence because you couldn’t bother to set up any portable johns for 3000 visiting guests. How many police cars are you going to need, if your security guys don’t realize your edict is impossible, and actually wade into the Nordecke trying to enforce the thing?
I’m not saying you’re wrong. We’ve got different ideas of stadium decorum. That’s fine.
“F u c k” has been an audible part of every Toronto FC home game for three seasons. Ownership probably doesn’t love it, but they understand the word is part of the culture. They are selling real soccer, not family-friendly kick-arounds.
If your naïve troops take on an enraged supporters group, and try to pin them down and eject them from their own park? Brother man that is going to do a lot more damage to your team than a thousand audible “F” words will ever do to the next generation of central Ohians – who already know the word anyway!
That, my well-intentioned sir, would be one colossal f u c k-up.
Talk to the fans, Mark. NEVER threaten them. Negotiate. You can’t get rid of “F” bombs completely, but you might be able find a middle ground everyone can live with. You also have to understand that it’s going to take some time. If you go all-or-nothing this Saturday, you are going to get drubbed.
You already have a poor reputation with visiting fans, sir. But that is nothing compared to what will happen if you try to strongarm your own great and passionate support.
It’s their house, after all.
And also realize – none of this will make one f u c k’s worth of difference to anyone’s upbringing in the great state of Ohio.
Onward!