First of all, congratulations on winning the MLS Cup. Heck of an achievement. We look forward to equalizing one day.
Second up, double congrats on being named MLS fans of the year. We love an underdog up here, and you guys are – frankly – adorable.
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“We,” of course, are Toronto. We’re getting set to jam another caravan of buses down your lovely green and scenic interstate for yet another soccer summit. Alas, I can’t make it this time, but many dear friends are riding down, and I’ll just have to live the hype vicariously through them.
A quick note, if I may, before we begin.
There’s been a fair bit of poison on the internet – going both ways – about what a bloat-load of whinnying jackasses both sets of fans are. Most of it is hot air and flatulence, but it’s leaving a rising bad taste in both sets of mouths. We have done our share, certainly. As long as it’s playful, all this antagonism is harmless and fine.
It would be tragic and ridiculous if it escalated.
It hasn’t helped, of course, that your best soccer writer has somehow been convinced that all Toronto soccer fans are kill-crazy death-bots from planet Mutilate-Ohio-Yesterday. Bill Archer is a fine, dedicated, hard-working scribe. I thoroughly enjoy his work, and eagerly read whatever he jots down.
But I have occasionally noticed that whenever he writes about something I know down to the foundation, all the joy and fun are missing from his accounts. Probably just my in-bred Toronto ignorance. Obviously, I wouldn’t know.
Toronto’s actually a very lovely place, Bill. Any time you get up here, dinner’s on me. We can stroll these seething, dangerous streets, watching the skinhead hordes walk their Pekineses in the twilight, before settling in for a relaxed night of door-to-door, street-to-street moose hunting with chainsaws and concussion grenades. The trick is to lean into the blast-wave. I’ll teach you. Been doing it all my life.
Of course, your words have resonated up here. Just to be on the safe side, you might want to stay the heck out of Leaside.
Internet message board hatred and hysteria notwithstanding, Columbus, you’re a fine town and a decent road trip. Crew Stadium is lovely, and well done on winning the MLS championship last season. Sure, that surprised the heck out of us up here (those of us who noticed). Heck, it surprised everyone everywhere – including, I’m sure, Columbus (those of them what noticed).
Raise your banner! Make your fuss! Celebrate beating us for last year’s Trillium Cup! The hatred is all hype, after all. Lots of posturing, but we’re all soccer fans there to enjoy the game.
There’s this one little thing, though. News stories are circulating that you guys are actually going to hand out commemorative coins to fans entering the stadium tomorrow.
Now, I know and you know that no professional soccer organization on the planet could be stupid enough to give free missiles to opposing sets of fans, celebrating a championship that one of the teams didn’t win. But rumours like these are how tensions get exacerbated.
Can you imagine how idiotic the team – and the league, and the local police – would have to be to allow such a crazy, reckless thing to actually happen? I know I’m insulting your intelligence just mentioning it, but I‘m only trying to clear the air.
All Archeresque over-writing aside, our fans and your fans are looking to have fun, make noise, behave a little rudely and all get home happy and content. If a couple of jerks on either side are determined to start something, I’m sure we can all find it in our better natures to act as peacekeepers.
Being a soccer fan is a tribal experience. Tribes are mobs, and mobs do stupid things at times. But each individual person can step back, and refuse to cross the line. Most people’s anger is about parents, partners, exes, bosses and the jerk who cut them off in traffic, and has nothing to do with that guy over there wearing a different colour soccer jersey.
The trick is to remember that.
We all need this rivalry to be a good thing. Heated? Yes. Hate-filled? Never.
Yours, with all good intentions:
Toronto.
Onward!