Jump to content

As Posted on the ESG: How to FIX the EPL.

alberta white

Recommended Posts

The Holiday season was a bit miserable this year due an unexpected Christmas present which formed under my lower left molar. Without a local dentist in site, as they all apparently shut up shop and head for Phoenix for two weeks quicker than you can say non-alcholic mouthwash, Therefore, I was reliant up Homeopathy, Analgesics and Vodka (mouthwash) to see me through into the New Year. Periods of literally wondering around the house growling at the children like a bear with a sore head were long and protracted; but at one point however, I did stumble upon an “The 11.ca” article that brought a somewhat distorted smile to my face.

http://the11.ca/2012/12/28/bringing-mls ... at-be-fun/

The Article mused on the premise of imposing a playoff system upon the EPL, one which would see a conference set up imposed and a “Bowl” at the end of the season. Now normally I would recoil in horror at the thought of such fixture vandalism, but in my “Homeo-nac-holic” fugue, I do believe I received a genuine epiphany from God as to how the home of the beautiful business.., err sorry, game could indeed be best served by further corporate investment from across the Pond.

So, cue the screeching scraping sound of piano wire synonymous with the engines of a TARDIS (If you don’t know what one of them is, then there really no hope for you is there?) and let us project ourselves into a future where the US fiscal cliff plunge has not only been avoided but bridged in full; across the water of the Atlantic to an England, bereft of any fiscal ability to run is Historic game, and lets us see how the Americans would reorganise the English Premier League.

Okay first things first, promotion and relegation is unceremoniously suspended. It’s too confusion to the business model and has us all running around like headless Venkies, sorry I mean chickens. So there you go football league. Off you go and have fun as a Junior competition and we’ll see you all at FA cup time, or rather we won’t; as we’ll ensure to under promote the FA Cup as much as possible so it dies a slow agonising death Just like the League Cup did about 10 years ago, only nobody told it so.

Right then! Now it’s time to streamline the division on a better paying basis. Currently we have far too many teams in the EPL. Knowing the English are too stupid to understand the concept of an unbalanced league, even when we get rid of the need for balanced one, what with declaring relegation a crime against capitalism and all that, well have to cut down the number of clubs. We'll need the League to have no more than 16 teams as quite frankly the size of the country just does not support so many teams in one super league.

Besides, we need to clear space in the calendar so we can have Liverpool play home games in Boston and Manchester United play some of theirs in LA. And so on and so forth. So the “Comish” came up with the following list of who would be in and out.

We only need four clubs in London, to serve the North south east and west, so the following will apply:

Arsenal: IN.

This is on the Proviso that Kroenke gains full control of the club, after Homeland security has issued US copyright crime extradition notices against the other board members, for downloading Michael Jackson videos on YouTube. This will ensure 5years of unchallenged authority as Murdering the Poor Old Prince of Pop only gets you four.

New Name: Gunners FC

Chelsea: OUT

As they are owned by a Russian Oligarch and they won’t let us have any more of their Babies.

Tottenham: IN

Due to their Quintessential New York sense of humour

New Name: London Eagles. WTF is a freaking Hotspur anyways?

West Ham: IN

As they can be sold on the Pearly Kings and Queens of the Old East and Its gangster past.

New Name: London Manor. Gor-blimey! Luv-a-duck G’vnor?

Fulham: Out

If the Brits won’t give the owner a Passport, then there has to be something wrong with the guy right?


Well, every league needs a whipping boy, right? Also much fun is had with the Initials QPR:

Quite Probably Rubbish, Quality Players Required, Quick Pass Regularly, etc. also they have Queen in the title.

New Name: HMS QPR.

So now London is erm, “sorted” we turn Our Eyes to the North. Well look, there are just too many darn teams up there so it's time to wield the axe!

Newcastle: OOT!

Ha-way mon! yar josh canna oonderstand a sinel werd tha-say canny lad, al-thay tha’ Cherrile’s a bit o’ alright an na mishtake! (Translation: Meh, not worth bothering with. Someting about Ashley Cole's ex, I think)

Sunderland: IN

As both the Coach and the Chairman are to well spoken Irishmen, who you would delight in conversation with over a pint of Guinness in a quite snug by the hearth, overlooking Lyndesfarne Island.

New Name: The Northumberland Cat men

Manchester city: OUT

Sheik Mansur’s insistence on shelling out as much money in the community as he does on his club is worryingly Socialistic that he may well be a Communist and thus unwelcome.

Manchester United: IN


New Name: Red Menece of Manchester

Wigan: IN

As their Chairman Dave Whelan is an Admirer of Lady Thatcher, And well Love here don’t we?

New Name: East Lancs. Sycophants

Liverpool: IN

As most of our Potential North American fan based claims to have passed through the port in one previous life or another. Its Iconic waterfront is also good from promotional videos.

New Name: Liverpool Cormorants (save confusion with the Red Menece in Manchester)

Everton: OUT

They’re financially broke and only survive due to the Barnum and Bailey act of the current owner who is so down at heal he has to resort to cameo appearances on Coronation Street to get his manager any transfer funds. Besides, where the hell IS Everton?

Stoke: OUT

This league is for the beautiful game, and the beautiful fan base. Thanks for your time, now, sling yer hook! Knuckle draggers!

West Bromwich Albion: IN

As we American love triple Posh sounding barrelled nonsense names that we cannot pronounce properly. WBA, LBJ, NBA MLB, MLS….. Works for us!

New Name: Exactly as it is now.

Aston Villa: IN

Apparently they are already owned by an American so I suppose we’ll have to take ‘em.

New Name: Central England Villains

Norwich City: Out

There is no potential for any growth in that area, other than for the growth of potatoes. (Think on Alberta!)

Reading: Out

This team is far too confusing as it looks like a complex cognitive process of decoding symbols in order to construct or derive meaning, rather than a football club, Also has a Magic roundabout which sounds a little too much like a hippy drug reference for our liking! Also with 40 miles of London.

Southampton: OUT

Last thing of note to come out of Southampton was the Titanic. Club’s a bad omen shipmates, so best we cuts it adrift; what say ye?

Swansea: IN

Sorry Cardiff, but it’s them’s who in the box seat see. You’ll just ‘ave to Lump it in the championship unit their franchise runs out and we move it over to you.

New Name: Welsh Wings U-ni-ted!


Of the current EPL we are now left with 11 teams this will allow us four expansion teams. Three in the Main land and two on the Island of Ireland. These clubs will be the following.

Leeds United.

Now that they have finally learnt how to count their pocket change properly and have a bank controlling their finances, they will hopefully not embarrass anybody anymore by asking for bus fare to away games. They are included as they have a catchment area of approx 1.5 million so expansions of the stadium, once swinde--err-purchased back from the city will be paramount. The teams running out theme will however be change from Fanfare for the common man (the very notion!) will be changed to Abba’s “Money, Money, Money!”

New Name Leeds White Rose (A very Yorkshire club)

FC Sheffield.

It’s about time the oldest club in world soccer got a look in. It gives the league a sense of history to have this club involved! Besides, Sheffield United’s full of bloody socialist and Sheffield Wednesday, well, I no heard of ‘owt so daft in my life as to call a football team after a day of the week. Bloody potty tha-knows? Also gives us a chance to build a nice new corporate stadium just off the M1 on some cheap land.

New Name: Sheffield Historians FC


Apparently Bristol Rovers and Bristol City cannot stop fighting amongst themselves so we should leave these two well alone. Suggestions are to create another new stadium for a team to unite the city which overlooks impressive views of the River Avon ravine. Proposed site will be in Saint Paul’s area of town.

New Name: Bristol St Paul Gorgians


Why should the Irish be ignored! Why, why? Is it not time that the home of George Best be represented in the League upon which his feet and feats did grace? So okay? Well, were going nowhere near that obnoxious NASL scum and are staying firmly in the British Isles. Okay? Lots of players from Ireland are already playing England in anyway so there should be a language barrier. And It has a new, youthful population.

New Name: Belfast Beggorrahs (Boomers was seen to be a tad too close to another word negatively associated with that city)


Hey now! And why should da north get all tha’ fun! The Perfect rivalry in the Island of Ireland would be to create one between the North and the South. It would be like those classic one between Liverpool and Everton Manchester United and Manchester City, Arsenal and Chelsea….

New Name: Dublin Diasporas!

Now then, who’s for putting the NHL to rights?

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...