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Poking fun at the CSA, ASA, OSA....


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Sometimes ya just need to vent, here’s how I do it over on the OSW board.... and I always start off with a look and listen to this one...

Monty Python’s – Always Look On The Bright Side of Life, usually gets me thinking

“Some things in life are bad,

They can really make you mad.

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle,

Don't grumble, give a whistle,

And this'll help things turn out for the best, and...

You'll see it's all a show,

Keep 'em laughing as you go.

Just remember that the last laugh is on you.”

Says the CSA’s new interim Chief Fart-Catcher to the staffers:

"Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

CSA & OSA officials, like diapers, need to be changed.

Often for the same reason!!!

A CSA rep is proof that God has a sense of humour.

Latest bumper sticker to be seen in the CSA parking lot:

Change is inevitable. Except from the CSA.

After the U20s, Nykamp, Linford, Montagliani and Knox hiked up the mountain at Lake Louise.

Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fartcatchers for soccer in Canada.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.

They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, Montagliani hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for BC soccer" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone, Linford threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for 'Canadian soccer!"

Seeing this, Knox walked over and shouted, "This is for Ontario soccer," and pushed Nykamp off the side of the mountain.

At the OSA/NTC soccer center in Vaughan, when soccer’s fart-catchers apply computer technology, its simply a matter of finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Most of the CSA’s fartcatchers aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.

If it takes an IQ of just 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many CSA reps wear sandals?

CSA types love to row for exercise; probably because they can sit down and go backwards.

CSA’s response to Linford’s resignation, a new T-shirt to raise funds:

We don't have an image problem. You have a perception problem.

During the U20s, the CSA decided to lease an English style double decker bus to transport the players and fartcatchers back and forth between the stadium and the hotel. On this bus, the players were on the bottom level and the fartcatchers were on the top deck. As the bus started off to the stadium, all of the players were making a lot of noise yelling, singing and generally having a good time. It was noticed that the fartcatchers were unusually quiet. Not a sound was coming from the upper deck.

Someone decided to go up top and see what was wrong. It was further noticed that all of the fartcatchers had their hands clasped on the rail in front of them and they all were white as a sheet. When asked why they all were so frightened, they replied with fear in their eyes, "WE DON'T HAVE A DRIVER."

While in Edmonton, a CSA rep was injured in a pie eating contest?

A cow stepped on him.

When in Edmonton, there was a fire where the CSA delegation was staying. Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Dale Mitchell was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident while out west. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged it in time!

Colin Linford went to one of Edmonton’s finest Tack and Saddle shops to buy a pair of genuine leather cowboy boots. After becoming frustrated with the high prices, the CSA’s president told the shopkeeper:

"I'll go catch my own cow and get some boots without payin' these western-city prices!"

Determined as ever, Linford turned and headed for the open fields.

Later that day as the shopkeeper drove by a stockyard, he saw Linford standing in the middle of the corral with shotgun in hand. Just then, a 1,200 pound steer charged toward the CSA’s prez.

Linford took aim, shot the raging animal and hauled it to the side gate.

Laying nearby was a pile of dead cows.

The Prez flipped the animal over and shouted in frustration:

"Dang it all! This cow ain't wearin' any boots either!"

Fred Nykamp and Colin Linford were down on Jasper Avenue the day after the Congo game partying up a storm.

They were hootin', hollerin' and yee hawin' when a cop asked them why they were celebrating.

Nykamp said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months.

"Two months!?" exclaimed the cop. "To complete a simple puzzle?"

Linford replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."

After a disappointing tournament, the CSA delegation took a quick break and visited Lake Louise. Mitchell, Dasovic and Muldoon went for a walk through the woods where they came upon a set of tracks.

Mitchell said "Those are deer tracks."

Dasovic said "Nope, they're too big for deer tracks. They must be elk tracks."

Muldoon called them both daft and declared them to be moose tracks.

As the debate raged on they were hit by a train.

Vince Ursini and Guy Bradbury decided to drive to Lake Louise from Edmonton. They were really excited because they had never been there before. They were driving along when they saw a sign that said "Lake Louise Left." So they turned around and drove back to Edmonton.

Nykamp and Linford took a quick road trip to Casino Niagara to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours Nykamp was broke. He looks over and sees that Linford is carrying buckets full of quarters.

Nykamp walks over to Linford and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?"

To Linford replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a loonie in you get four quarters back every time!"

Way back when, Linford called the hospital saying "My wife is having a baby, what should I do?"

The nurse asked, "Is this her first baby?"

Linford replied, "No, this is her husband."

One of Nykamp’s ideas to generate revenue for the CSA is through a new 3 million dollar lottery?

The winner gets 3 dollars per year for a million years.

Nearing the end of his interview, Nykamp concluded his interview with the following statement- There are three kinds of sports executives in this world:

Those who can and those who can't.

(He was hired later that morning)

The new old boys at the CSA have now mandated that Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) be put in place within each Provincial branch. Dutifully, the OSA drinks the kool-aid and is the first to comply in hiring a mental health specialist. The OSA’s new EAP rep immediately initiates a program, and after several weeks of meetings and counseling sessions with the various OSA fart-catchers, the EAP rep decides an outing is in order.

The EAP rep selects a Raptors game.

With the outing getting closer, the EAP rep coached the fart-catchers to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the EAP rep yelled, "Up Nuts" And the fart-catchers, sharply decked out in their Everton branded track-suits, complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a Chris Bosh 3-pointer goes swoosh, the EAP man yelled, "Cheer Nuts". The toffee-wannabees all brokeout into applause and cheered.

When the referee made a particularly bad technical call against Raptor’s coach Sam Mitchell, the EAP man yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and the fart-catchers all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well, the EAP man decided to go for a beer and a hot dog, and thus left the track-suits unattended.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding an usher, the EAP man asked," What in the world happened? "

The usher replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

During one of their winter Florida junkets, the OSA’s Tartan army of fart-catchers decided to take in a Blue Jays spring training game. After a base hit, the wee-est kilt is surprised as he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the wee-est kilted fart-catcher stands up joins in with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahst**d, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the wee-est fart-catcher, obviously pleased with his new found knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahst**d, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the fart-catcher stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahst**d, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly as the wee-man in the kilt sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing the fart-catcher’s ignorance, leans over and whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the fart-catcher dutifully stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

The other day was take your kid’s to work day. The OSA’s staff coaches had a fun time, playing a scrimmage against their kids.

Unfortunately the staff coaches lost, 15-3.

Ego-wise, two things are important to OSA fart-catchers:

A) How flashy they look in their blue blazers and turtlenecks.

B) How much OSA-Everton branded apparel they own.

from my friends in Sudbury….

Mr. Cannovan: "What are the three words most commonly used in the OSA?"

Sudbury Pre-B candidate: "I don't know."

Mr. Cannovan: "Correct."

Mr. Cannovan (in next room): "Ian, what are you opening that bag with?"

Mr. Skitch: "Why, my hands, of course."

Mr. Cannovan: "It sounds like you were opening it with prayer."

U20 coach Dale Mitchell has finished writing a book detailing his coaching philosophies, it will be hitting bookstores next month.

It's titled "The Top 3 Games That I choked in u20 World Cups".

A little boy and his mother were walking through an Ottawa cemetery when they came

upon a headstone that read

"Here lies a Director of the CSA and a competent man."

The little boy asked, "Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"

At an u20s game at the National Soccer Stadium, a FIFA rep approached a man and said,

"I'll bet you're with the CSA."

"Why yes, I am" answered the CSA rep. "How could you tell?

Was it my good looks, my debonair charm, or our trendy taste in blazers, slacks and sandles?"

"None of those things," replied the FIFA man.

"I saw the CSA tie under your blazer as you were picking your nose."

A FIFA rep and a CSA rep where each late for breakfast in the hospitality suite so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.

The FIFA rep fixed himself a bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.

The CSA’s man picked up the same box and started to poor himself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on his face.

The FIFA man asked him what was wrong, to which the CSA’s guy replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"

Two innebriated CSA reps are walking along a railroad track.

One says, "Damn! These stairs are killin' me!"

The other says, "It ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"

A local farmer who had immigrated from Austria was driving down the road when he came upon Muldoon and Mitchell hitchhiking, their cab broke down. The farmer told the CSA coaches to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down towards the stadium rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a pond. The farmer scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two CSA coaches were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.

As the truck began sinking the farmer yelled for the coaches to get off of the truck and swim, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the tailgate open!"

The CSA dude is standing in a long line at the concession stand at B-M-O during the Canada/Chile match.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The CSA dude turns around, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well I'm with the CSA, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Linford: My God, it was terrible!

Knox: What?

Linford: This nightmare I had--I dreamed I was running for re-election against Kevan Pipe.

Knox: What's so terrible about that? Seems to me it'd be a slam dunk for you.

Linford: You don't understand. I was in this debate--and the first thing they asked was, "Which of you is Colin and which of you is Kevan?"

Documents released by the CSA show that the Executive Committee asked Fred Nycamp to make 140 calls to potential sponsors donors, but he only connected on 56 of them. The other 84 hung up because he sounds just like a dial tone.

If all the CSA & OSA coaches, reps and administrators were laid end to end:

a) it would be a good thing

B) they would be more comfortable

c) they would never reach a conclusion

d) all of the above

e) none of the above

f) they would point in different directions

Biggest soccer joke of the year: the OSA AGM


An OSA rep died and one of his colleagues went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A club coach was asked to donate $10. He said, "It only takes $10 to bury a fartcatcher? Here's $110, go bury 10 more of them!"

A CSA rep's response to the comment "Think about it!"

"I don't have to think--I'm with the CSA!"

Knox and Linford are in a parking lot, trying to unlock the door of their rental with a coathanger.

Knox says, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked."

Linford replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, it's starting to rain and the top is down!"

For three years, the young CSA rep took his vacations at a country inn. He had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a fartcatcher from the CSA."

Yesterday I was at OSA’s facility in Vaughan. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket, the car was parked right in front of the fire hydrant ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

The cop simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...

But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked out in the lot, this was Jimmy Cannovan’s vehicle ...

A CSA coach and an OSA coach are trapped in a burning building.

You only have time to save one of them.

Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

The CSA hosted a cocktail party during the u20 WC, one of the player’s mothers said to the wife of a CSA rep, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The CSA spouse replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

The CSA guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did we!"

The elderly CSA rep told his wife he was going to sign up for CPP and OAS.

She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'

CSA man says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.'

So when he returns he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.' '

Well, how did you do that?' she asks.

CSA man replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'

The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability too.'

During their recent swing out to Edmonton, two OSA reps visited the hotel’s barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The English OSA guy shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Scottish OSA guy turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

You might be a soccer fartcatcher if….

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember George Best.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates that direct football...."

You once broke loose at a party and removed your OSA/Everton issued neck tie

You call academy coaches “rent-a-coaches”

You answer to "The Man."

You scream "yyyeeeesssss jimmy" while making love.

You've argued that “direct football " is the foundation of all that is football

The CSA makes a lot of sense to you.

John Knox makes sense to you.

You agree and support Jimmy Cannovan’s theories on footy.

You’ve got Colin Linford’s phone number.

Instructions for the CSA’s internal telephone directory system

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

Q. What's the difference between a penny and a promise from the CSA?

A. Read my lips--a penny's worth more.

Q. What's the difference between God and a CSA rep?

A. God knows he's not a fartcatcher.

Q: What's the definition of "a shame"?

A: When a busload of CSA reps goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: When there was an empty seat on that bus!

Q: Why did God create soccer bureaucrats?

A: In order to make politicians look good.

Q: What's the difference between Colin Linford and a slab of formica?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q. What's the difference between a fartcatcher and the rear end of a horse?

A. I don't know either.

Q. What's the difference between a dead fartcatcher lying on the road and a dead squirrel lying on the road?

A. You feel sorry for the squirrel.

Q: What's the difference between a CSA rep and a catfish?

A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a CSA rep riding a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk on the side of the road and a dead CSA rep on the other side of the road?

A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a CSA rep and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a CSA rep?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What is the difference between a good CSA coach and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How many fartcatchers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q. What do you call 20 CSA reps sitting in a circle?

A. A dope ring

Q. What do you call an OSA rep in an institute of higher learning?

A. A visitor

Q. Why are the brains from CSA & OSA reps so coveted for transplants?

A. They've had so little use.

Q. What's the explanation for a club rep applying for an provincial association position for the 1st time?

A. A mouse trying to become a rat.

Q. How do CSA types traditionally greet each other?

A. Hi, I'm better than you.

Q. How can you tell if an OSA executive is actually dead?

A. Who cares?

Q. How do you keep Dale Mitchell out of your yard?

A: Put up goalposts!

Q: What's the difference between Dale Mitchell and a puppy?

A: The puppy eventually stops whining.

Q : Why are teams coached by Dale Mitchell like possums?

A : They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why were CSA coaches wearing pinnies during the games?

A: To keep the drool off their track suits.

Q. How many CSA directors does it take to hire a WC coach?

A. Just one, but it takes a roomfull to sit around and talk about how Tony Waiters would have done it.

Q: How many defenders does it take to tackle a Chilean player?

A: Good question, no one knows.

Q: Why is the CSA insisting on replacing the astroturf at BMO field with cardboard?

A: Our teams always look better on paper.

Q. Why doesn't the CSA have a decent, up-to-date webpage?

A. Because they struggle putting 3 W's together.

Q. How did the CSA promote safe sex for their administrators who traveled to Edmonton?

A. By distributing playing cards that had warning signs printed on animals that would kick....

Q: What do you call CSA reps and coaches skydiving from an airplane?

A: Skeet!

Q: How did the CSA reps get the hookers out of their motel rooms?

A: Grease their hips and push.

Q. Why does Fred Nykamp have TGIF on his shoes?

A. Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you call a CSA coach who scores well in an IQ test?

A. A cheat.

Q. What do you call a CSA rep with half a brain?

A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and the CSA’s board of directors?

A. Yoghurt starts with a little culture.

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone from the OSA and the CSA?

A: It saves time.

Q: What have General Pinochet and the OSA have in common?

A: They both round people up into football stadiums and torture them.

Q: What's the ideal weight for an OSA fart-catcher?

A: 3 pounds...that's including the Urn.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a CSA staff coach?

A. A battery has a positive side.

Q: How many of the CSA's deep thinkers can you fit in a police car?

A: Two in the front, four in the back, and one on top going "nee naw neee naww neee naw"

Q. A CSA coach and an OSA coach jump off an overpass. Who hits the ground first?

A. Who cares!

Q. Why is it good to catch a lift with a fart-catcher from the OSA?

A. He gets to park in the handicapped spot.

Q. What's the biggest challenge for the CSA’s marketing department?

A. Literacy!


1. Any person with a valid provincial hunting license or a valid coaching license/certification from another FIFA sanctioned country may harvest/hunt/trap Fartcatchers.

2. Taking of Fartcatchers with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of Fartcatchers with a vehicle is prohibited. If one is accidentally struck, remove the Fartcatcher to side of the road and proceed to the nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest Fartcatchers from team buses, vans, public transit, or car pools.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "trip to Florida" or "free umbro jumpers" for the purpose of trapping fartcatchers.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt fartcatchers within 100 feet of any NTC facility or it’s fields.

7. It shall be unlawful to use exhibition games, showcase tournaments, conference invitations, RTD’s and/or RFD's to attract fartcatchers.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt fartcatchers within 200 feet of youth academy/club offices or fields, soccer retailers, whorehouses, massage parlors, special interest group offices, bars, or strip joints.

9. If a fartcatcher finds honest employment, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. It will also be a shame.

10. Stuffed or mounted fartcatchers must have a valid provincial Ministry of Health inspection certificate for rabies and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise him or her self as a reporter, coach, manager, fitness coach, foreign scout, college coach, drug dealer, academy instructor, pimp, female ministerial aide, male ministerial aide, sheep, a legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting fartcatchers.

Three CSA administrators and three Alberta SA rep were going for a trip by train. Before boarding the train the CSA reps bought 3 tickets (they could count to three) while the ASA reps bought only one. The CSA reps were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three ASA reps went to the nearest toilet. The Conductor noticing that somebody was in the toilet knocked on the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and ASA reps were home free, 3 for the price of 1. The next day the CSA reps decided to use the same strategy for the return trip - they bought only one ticket, but the ASA reps did not buy any tickets at all. When the CSA reps saw the conductor they went to the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed out the ticket. They did not get it back. Why?

The ASA reps took it and went to the other toilet.

Squid On His Death Bed

Old man Squid was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his oldest son. "I want to become a Director for the OSA. Get me nominated. You can do it".

The oldest son said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a fartcatcher?"

"That's my business! Get me elected!"

Within the year, his son and many supporters made good on the request –he was elected as an OSA Director-at-Large. With his sons at his bedside, old man Squid suddenly was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end.

Still curious, the sons all leaned over and said, "Please dad, before it's too late, tell us why you wanted to become a fartcatcher so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last breath, Squid said: "One less fartcatcher".

Explaining the CSA nicknames ...

"The boomerang clan" = whenever anyone requests clarity from the CSA, certain individuals always reply, "I'll have to get back to you on that." Of course they never get back to you.

"Two bunnets" = nickname for CSA staffer who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

"the Yeti" = Guy Bradbury's nickname (OSA Executive Director), many unconfirmed sighting but nobody can prove he actually exists.

"the colostomy" = the lady friend of the married CSA man, i.e. the bag on the side.

"Picasso" = nickname for CSA staffer who always says, "lets look at the big picture".

"Houdini" = the CSA man who magically disappears when it's his turn to buy a round.

"Soapy" = the CSA man who washes his hands of any problems that develop.

"Charlton Heston" = Colin Linford's nickname, turns every issue into an epic.

"The Hostage" = Fred Nykamp's nickname, lame duck position (CEO) - his hand's are tied by the board of directors.

"The Parachute Principle" = As with every previous official plan, inevitably each plan lets everyone down at the last minute.

"The Blue Genie" = the man magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

"Wolfy" = a staff coach who is rather fond of a good bevy, he's always howling.

Q. How many Provincial District Reps does it take to change said proverbial light bulb?

A. None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to come back on.

A. Six - One to change it, and five to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.

A. District Reps don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry their own light with them.

A. Only one, but it sure takes a (I'm not 2 bright, I could only think of a swear word here) of light bulbs!

A. One, but two subordinates are required to phone the club reps and get one in to actually change it.

A. Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way.

A. We can't say.

A. One, but she uses a broomstick.

A. Just one, but she is never around when you need her.

A. None, because they’ll never see the light anyway.

A. Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"

A. Two - One always leaves in the middle of the project.

A. Just one, provided there's a club rep around to explain how to do it.

A. Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.

A. Three - one to call a club rep and the other two to feel guilty about having to call in a club rep

Q. How many CSA employees does it take to change said proverbial light bulb?

A. Thats not funny!!!

A. None, the CSA prefer dead bulbs.

A. One - but it takes at least three light bulbs.

A. Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

A. Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

A. 45 - One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

A. None, a candle is more traditional, and it requires no electricity.

A. Three - one to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

A. None, they will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

A. None, that's what staff coaches are for.

A. Ten - One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

A. What light bulb?

A. You ever wonder why it's so dark in the soccer centre?

A. Five - one to hold the bulb and four to drink till the room spins.

A. It depends on what you want to change it into

A. One - but he has to wait until the light is better.

A. Three - One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.

A. Five - One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

A. Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

A. Just Pellerud. He holds the bulb and the whole world revolves around him; of course, he may need to stand on the backs of two kneeling Staff Coaches.

A. All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job any of them are really qualified to perform.

A. Only one - they don't like to share the spotlight.

A. Two - One to assure that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

A. Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.

A. Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up.

A. None, we contract out for things like that.

A. This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...."

A. None, employees replace only dark bulbs.

A. That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.

Q. How many Pre-B candidates does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One - but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

A. None of your damn business!

A. Two, and then a staff coach to take the credit.

A. Change it to what?

A. None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a Pre-B’s eye.

A. None ... ("Thats right...we'll just sit here in the dark...")

A. That's a CSA secret.

A. None, pre-B’s don't screw, they intervene.

A. The manual doesn’t mention light bulbs.

A. One - but he gets two bonus marks.

A. Many hands make light work

A. All of them. They take turns as the Assessor tells them what rotten and

worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room

while the bulb screwing is in progress.

The OSA staff coach is up for his A license. A FIFA instructor is a guest Assessor and says if you solve this math problem, you’ve got your A license. What is 14-3? The OSA’s staff coach sez 9, and the rest of the OSA staff coaches plead, "give him another chance, give him another chance!" So the FIFA Instructor says "Okay, what is 7+4?" the OSA man blurts 9." The other staff coaches cry "give him another chance!" The FIFA man says, "OK, what is 3x3?" Our intrepid Staff Coach guesses 9, again, and the rest of the OSA staff scream "give him another chance, give him another chance!"

Two former CSA fart-catchers are in hell walking down the main drag when it begins to snow.

One guy looks up at it and says, "Well, it finally happened. The MNT finally qualified for the World Cup!"

Well, it's time for FIFA to award another World Cup to a host nation again.

Or as the CSA call it, soccer fantasy camp.

It’s the morning after the CSA Hall of Fame Inductee banquet, and the OSA troupe have safely navigated their way down to the hotel lobby, each firmly tied to the rope, however a few seem to have little tiny holes on their faces and scalp. The front desk manager, concerned, asks about the tiny holes.

The lead blue-blazer sez not to worry, its not often we get to eat with forks.

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Guest Jeffery S.

I'd make this a sticky for a week or so or make a selection to put on the front page. But you should change the title if it goes sticky, so folks have a better idea about what it is about.

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The CSA have set up a call centre for fans who may be troubled by the current state of affairs of the CSA.

The number is 1-800 10 10 10.

Once again the number is 1-800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

The one thing that unites all of Canada’s soccer fart catchers, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have an insatiable urge to be self-serving.

A CSA executive member should not confuse his lack of soccer or business acumen with his inferiority complex.

Q. How many CSA directors does it take to change a light bulb ?

A. None...they just steal somebody else's light.

A. None. They can't reach that high!

A. None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

A. “Don't worry about change. They will fake it!"

A. Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

A. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

A. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).

A. Two. One to hold the drink and the other to get his assistant to do it.

A. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under him.

A. Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

A. Hell, you need 30 just to lobby for the government grant.

A. All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, while the rest discuss if it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

A. All of them. One to change it, 2 to record the event and take pictures of it, and the rest to sit and stare at it until it burns out.

Q.What do you call two CSA Directors talking in unison?

A. Counterpoint.

Q. Why are so many CSA executive jokes one liners?

A. So the rest of the board can understand them

Q. How do you know when a CSA director is at your door?

A. His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

Q. How do CSA Directors traditionally greet each other?

A1."Hi. I’m from the old country."

A2."Hi. I haven’t played since I was a kid."

Q. What's the difference between a CSA Director and a leech?

A1. The aftershave!

A2. The blazer and tie!

Q. What do you do if your provincial rep is drowning?

A. Throw him an anchor.

Q. How do you tell if a CSA Director is actually dead?

A1. Hold out a $20 bill (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

A2.What's the difference?

A3.Who cares?

Q. What is the difference between a world war and a CSA general meeting?

A. The general meeting causes more suffering.

Q. What is the difference between a CSA executive and a chimpanzee?

A. It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with others.

Q. How do you fit 24 CSA Directors in a phone booth?

A. Throw in a FIFA jacket.

Q. How do you get em out?

A. Throw in a bar of soap

Q. What do a CSA Director and a sperm have in common?

A. Only one out of a million might work.

Q: Where can you find a good CSA board member?

A: In the cemetery

Q: How do you prevent a CSA executive from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q. How does the CSA make a million dollars?

A. Start with three million.

Son: Mom, I want to grow up and be a CSA Director.

Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

~~The CSA Director’s By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)~~

1. Never recommend anyone who knows more than you.

2. Always suck up. (players, agents, coaches, executives, sponsors, etc.)

3. If you don't know, go along with the majority.

4. Double book, then choose.

5. Always assume your host and other guests know nothing about the game.

6. Always degrade types of tactics and formations you don’t understand or know nothing about.

7. Always bring your own business cards and work the room.

8. Never answer questions (especially if you know the answer).

9. Never smile.

10. Always complain.

11. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an event. (One minute if you have a presentation to give.)

12. Never leave a guestbook in order; whenever possible, write with a Sharpee felt tip marker.

13. Always worship dead great players.

14. Be negative about anything connected with your duties.

15. Always bring drinks back to your table.

16. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.

17. If you're sitting at the head table, never laugh, even if it’s hysterically funny.

18. Always bum a ride.

19. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

20. Never bring your own cigarettes to an event.

21. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

22. Always ask, "When does the Board eat", or "Where's our table"?

23. Remember, it's not your hospitality suite. Mingle with guests, load up and enjoy yourself.

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