(About a year ago, Toronto FC striker Danny Koevermans famously referred to the squad as the "worst team in the world". Some days, it's difficult to disagree with that assessment. And by "some days", I mean more or less every day as of late. So here, unbelievably, incomprehensibly and unforgivably, is the same stupid bullshit joke post for the FIFTH TIME IN A ROW to vaguely cover the exploits of this group of ostensibly professional athletes.)

When I was growing up, we'd routinely collect the neighbourhood kids for games of road hockey on weekends. One of them was a Portuguese kid named Tobias, about five years younger than me. He'd bring his stick and plenty of enthusiasm -- but at around 4 p.m. on any given Saturday or Sunday, his broom-toting mom would beckon him back to the house with shrill calls of "Tobias!... Tobias!"

It was too late for lunch and too early for dinner... quite frankly, none of us really understood why he was being ripped away from our games at 4 p.m. with such regularity. But we'd come to expect it. Check your watch. It's getting close to 4 p.m. Time for what we all know is coming.

"Tobias!.... Tobias!"
...

When I was growing up, we'd routinely collect the neighbourhood kids for games of road hockey on weekends. One of them was a Portuguese kid named Tobias, about five years younger than me. He'd bring his stick and plenty of enthusiasm -- but at around 4 p.m. on any given Saturday or Sunday, his broom-toting mom would beckon him back to the house with shrill calls of "Tobias!... Tobias!"

It was too late for lunch and too early for dinner... quite frankly, none of us really understood why he was being ripped away from our games at 4 p.m. with such regularity. But we'd come to expect it. Check your watch. It's getting close to 4 p.m. Time for what we all know is coming.

"Tobias!.... Tobias!"
...

In the wake of the team's resounding, embarrassing, gut-churning, tournament-ending 6-0 loss to the rival Montreal Impact in the Voyageurs Cup semifinal, Toronto FC fans have been left with many questions.

But foremost among them is the question: What team achievement can they possibly use as a rallying point from this point forward?

"Even with all the late losses, the dropped points, the missed playoffs... we could always fall back on the Miracle in Montreal and the four straight Voyageurs Cups," said one Toronto FC supporter, who quite understandably asked not to be identified. "Now, not only is the streak over, we can't even use '6-1' as a way to mock Impact fans anymore.

"What the hell are we supposed to hold over Montrealers' heads now?"
...

When I was growing up, we'd routinely collect the neighbourhood kids for games of road hockey on weekends. One of them was a Portuguese kid named Tobias, about five years younger than me. He'd bring his stick and plenty of enthusiasm -- but at around 4 p.m. on any given Saturday or Sunday, his broom-toting mom would beckon him back to the house with shrill calls of "Tobias!... Tobias!"

It was too late for lunch and too early for dinner... quite frankly, none of us really understood why he was being ripped away from our games at 4 p.m. with such regularity. But we'd come to expect it. Check your watch. It's getting close to 4 p.m. Time for what we all know is coming.

"Tobias!.... Tobias!"
...

While the recently-released final report from the hilariously-named CONCACAF Integrity Committee spells out a litany of serious accusations against former president Jack Warner, including fraud and misappropriation of funds, some Canadian soccer fans have reacted with shock to the omission from the 144-page document of one alleged incident of major malfeasance .

The semifinal of the 2007 Gold Cup.

Some of the more ardent Canadian soccer supporters have long held that the outcome of the match -- in which Atiba Hutchinson was denied a seemingly legitimate injury-time goal that would have sent the match to extra time -- was due to machinations by Warner and the CONCACAF empire, intent as they were on seeing yet another tournament final between the U.S.A. and Mexico.

Yet the complete lack of reference to the match in the exhaustive report -- compiled on the basis of dozens of interviews and terabytes worth of digital evidence -- has left some disenchanted Canadian soccer fans facing the grim realization that perhaps the result was not part of a grand continental conspiracy, but rather a split-second decision made by an exhausted dude from Suriname with a flag in his hand.
...

When I was growing up, we'd routinely collect the neighbourhood kids for games of road hockey on weekends. One of them was a Portuguese kid named Tobias, about five years younger than me. He'd bring his stick and plenty of enthusiasm -- but at around 4 p.m. on any given Saturday or Sunday, his broom-toting mom would beckon him back to the house with shrill calls of "Tobias!... Tobias!"

It was too late for lunch and too early for dinner... quite frankly, none of us really understood why he was being ripped away from our games at 4 p.m. with such regularity. But we'd come to expect it. Check your watch. It's getting close to 4 p.m. Time for what we all know is coming.

"Tobias!.... Tobias!"
...

So, apparently, we know what's been dooming Canada to all of the bad luck* they've had against Honduras in recent memory.

It's been me. Sorry about that.

Yes, rather than foaming at the mouth and profanely fulminating via social media during Friday night's third-place showdown in the CONCACAF U17 Championships, I was -- much to my own detriment -- otherwise occupied. Yet, lo and behold, the Canadian kids managed to stage not one but two thrilling comebacks that ultimately earned them a bronze medal.

That does, however, present a difficulty in writing a match report. But thankfully, I have a backup plan (and no, it's not one of another stupid "mostly fabricated synopsis", don't worry.)
...

This is a strange position to be in.

A Canadian team has just had its forward progress in a tournament halted by a Central American opponent, in a game that featured a loud and rowdy hometown crowd. But there was no blowout, no simulation shenanigans, no major controversies... plus, the lights stayed on in the stadium!

All in all, Panama probably deserved the victory on Wednesday night, in the semifinals of the CONCACAF U17 Championship. That's to take nothing away from a spirited effort by the young Canadians -- but in front of a raucous audience, the Panamanians dictated the pace for large swathes of the contest.

Still, Canada got what it came for at this tournament: A berth in this year's U17 World Cup. All that's left to do is contest the third-place match against H.. Hon.. ugh. Some country that starts with an "H".
...

Canada has already reached its #1 goal at the CONCACAF U17 championships, earning a trip to this autumn's FIFA U17 World Cup, with a 4-2 victory over Jamaica on Saturday night.

And while the boys have had 48 hours to revel in the thrill of qualifying, head coach Sean Fleming says it's right back to work for the team, as they prepare for the CONCACAF semifinal against the host side, Panama, on Wednesday night.

"Two years ago, we did make it to the final (of the CONCACAF championship) and we lost in extra time to the U.S.," Fleming told the media on Monday. "We want to win our confederation championship."

Canada did defeat Panama in the semifinals of the 2011 tournament. But with some home-team gamesmanship already underway and a big, hostile crowd expected at the Estadio Rommel Fernandez in Panama City, Fleming knows getting back to the final won't be easy.
...